Self sabotage

Dear all,

Somewhere I need to "talk".
I even do not believe I have to write this...
Well, somehow I made this "activity" two las times in the last 4 months.
But on both occasions I commit a strong self sabotage. I mean, the "encounters" to the girls where, from consensual to simple no-reaction from their side. But that is not the point.
In both occasions I got clear signals from thirty party persons that their where aware on my intentions. Even, from some "friends".
So, during the frot (which by the way it was only in my mind exiting, not anymore physically) I broke any simple rule of caution. I make it "public", somehow.
Now, the situation is that many people around me are behaving "estrange" when they see me.
I know that those "friends" that I have, are now laughing at me. But probably the worst is that some times I argue with some of them about other topics, now they have a PERFECT thing to blame on me and even laugh.
I am not sure if I am on paranoia, but given the circumstances I described, could be the case that someone take a picture of me and now it is hanging around. This can scale to hell.
I even thing on commit suicide.
I regret my self a lot what I did. Actually, I think I did it more because a lot of frustration and as a stupid protest. but now I am in hell.
I am seriously thinking going for professional help.
I have to add that I was a chikan from a big city, but among other things, in order to quit I moved to another small city. This helped me a lot. But now, Small city is a BIG hell.
I feel observed all the time and afraid to loose my job, girlfriend and all.
I am no longer young.
I became "bold", very likely on purpose. I regret "having success". Actually, I have masterized many "techniques", where probably the best was exactly "public opinion attention". But now this was exactly where I "failed".
Honestly, I do not know how to react to this "friends".
To directly ask? What is going on? I know they know!
probably this just make it worst.
Should I ask for they "comprehension"?
This is their time to blame on me!
just ignore them, I continuing my life?
Deeply on me, I feel this is the best, but I feel so embarrassed...
First I need to forget my self, but really I can not. Specially thinking every night on the "next day"... how to see the people to the face?
They know.
Please, some words.

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