??? Retirement ???

Well, I have decided to 'Have another go' at retiring. Notice how I have not referred to it as quitting at this time. It's not been quite 24 hours as I write now, but a lot has happened, and particularly something that has NEVER happened before.

Firstly, and least important, I have destroyed all of my chikan gear. This in itself means nothing at all as I have done this quite a few times over the years, but I guess it's a start. If I revert back, I will need to go out and buy new gear, which 'just' helps the retirement process a little easier.

Now, this is the important factor. It took a great amount of guts, but I've confessed to an old and trusted (and obviously very understanding) friend about my chikan activity. I broke down during the confession, and I can't describe easily how good I'm feeling right now, and what burden seems to have been lifted from my soul. So many years of a secret life revealed in three hours of conversation. I'm still trembling from the confession, but I feel I made a good call here, despite my guts being in knots.

Even though I feel 'Fucking Alive' before the event, I feel that for me, chikan in itself is subconsciously depressing me in the most insidious way possible. Some chikans go out and do their stuff and forget it, and may say “It's not worth the analytical approach that I sometimes apply”
Other’s here, and I mention no names, will completely and coherently understand every single line of this posting. (Some will be able to read between the lines). There are also pure novices who will just fail to empathise and see this as nothing more than nonsense (like the post below) but that's their fucking loss.

The above may explain why I broke down crying when I pulled the car up outside my late uncles home. Something has been happening for me for a long time now, maybe 10 years or more, and I feel it's time to 'try' and sort it all out for once and for all.

This won't be easy, and who's to say I'll finish writing more stories just because of today’s feelings? I can't say, and even though I'm optimist, I still feel there is more chance of me hunting again, than there is retiring, but when I put my mind to something, I'm the most stubborn man you could know, so let's see.

I'll keep posting for a while whilst I try and wean myself from the hunt, and keep you all informed on progress, OR maybe I'll never click on this board again, I can't say for 100%, especially after my confession. Another strange thing is that I never got C.A.T.S. Last night, and yet have come to this decision today, now that's never happened too.

I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm frightened. Frightened for myself, my family, and my targets, even though I get some of the best 'players' around. I got I 'player' last night, and boy did I fucking dig her out, and exploded like a fucking fire hydrant all over her!

I have to listen to my conscience, and I have to take heed of this fear, and what this game is slowly doing to me. Some of this must come with age, as do many monumental decisions, but just lately I feel that in life, I have become the clown who forgot how to laugh, and I feel most of it is down to this game, this hunt, this art that we all term 'Chikan'!


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