Well chikans. Whilst the following content may depress some of you, or you may feel that it's off topic, I have to post it because of it's relevance to me and to chikan. To put it bluntly, I had a successful evening at the gig on Saturday, but saying 'successful' doesn’t feel right at this moment in time!?

Before the gig, during the day at work (where I was tying up the weeks loose ends) I felt like I didn't really want to attend the gig, and this pretty much lasted all day long.

After I'd showered and changed at my friends place, I almost sank into a mist of gloom whilst driving to the show. I have felt this before, but not quite in this way, as I'll explain.

Even after I had parked up the Jeep and made my 15 minute walk to the nearby venue, I felt really down. Sure....I wanted to nutt like crazy, but I didn't feel 'Turned On' like I normally do.
No gut swirls, no leaking bell end, no dry mouth etc, etc. I had no idea how I was going to feel after the gig, but I knew a bad dose of “C.A.T.S.” Was on the cards. (that's: an acronym for Comedown After The Spunking for you newer members here) I won't go into the detail of the gig (just yet) but It wasn't so much C.A.T.S. That I got afterwards.....just a very different feeling to those I've had before.

On the way too the gig - I wondered what my 'Target' would be like this evening. I then hated myself for referring to another human being as a 'Target' in this context. I just thought 'What fucking kind of man are you”?
I'm also starting to feel that there's a higher risk these days. I don't feel that there particularly is, but I think it's cos every time I attend a gig in these more recent times, my heart is not in it anymore, but my cock is.

Sometimes, I catch sight of myself in mirrors and windows etc, and I just see a secret pervert....and I don't like thinking this way. I was thinking about High School Humper recently and him saying he has a 'quitting date' and the fact that he's not posted for a while means that date may have come for him.

On the other hand he may just be mega busy like Mr Teen groper has been. Now let me tell you, I have a huge workload and other things that make me one of the busiest people I know and yet....I STILL make the time to and visit and write on this fucking damn site lol!!! How sad is that fucker?

I've noticed recently (about the last three months or so) that the more I come to visit Ayashi, the more I realise how 'Sad' and 'Pathetic' it all is (for me prsonally) and the more down I feel about being a chikan. Don't get me wrong guys, each to their own and all that shit, but this is just my perspective of 'my' feelings and thought patterns.

Let's face it....we're all perverts here, whatever colour you paint it, and I'm not sure that I want that as a label, or what to be a part of that anymore.
As exiting as it sometimes is, I'm just starting to feel like a sad pathetic perv these days.

I know some of you may not understand this and say 'why tell us' or stop being depressing' blah blah....but I know all you more active and/or experienced chikans on here will know what I'm talking about, even if you may not like to admit it. This is not aimed or intended at you guys, it's just ME and HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF!

I've not said this before, but like HSH I too have quit date which was New Years Eve (regardless of whether I go out or not) but I brought it forward to December the 8th. Why...???? because that is the date of a show that I attend for my final nutt!! I do actually adore the band too!

Even now, I contemplate on whether or not to attend, or whether or not to go as a chikan or not. For the first time in many years, I'd love to go to a gig in jeans (civilian clothing). Or do I go out with a bang and go for a final nutt?

Oh that's another thing.....OK it's a small price to pay you may say, but, I'm fed up of soaking myself in fucking spunk. (I've even contemplated wearing a condom, but it just wouldn't be the same, and it just makes it seem twice as perverted)

I shot a great load this time, one of better ones due the movement of my second 'Target' but I was saturated in sperm from my cock to my knees!
All this is obviously a quitting process (isn't it?) so I'm sorry if I've brought the board down

Anyway, feedback please guys, and I'll post the story if you lot still want it...but my guesses are you won't after this 'moaning' and 'depressing' posting.

I'd like to hear from you too Ayashi...what are your thoughts?

Please don't be utterly predictable and say "See a Shrink" etc!! I know what's wrong with me!! I hope you respect the honesty I have poured out here.



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