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I don't want to do this anymore. I've come to learn through a number of negative experiences how destructive it can be as a habit -- not to mention the ethical qualms I have with the victimization of anyone. I'm attempting to write it off as an adolescent perversion that I've since given up; by reading this, I'm sure most of you can tell that I've wrestled with the moral implications of the habit pretty profusely. But like many of you, it began for me when I was a teenager in middle school. It's hard to say if it had more to do with some sort of machismo desire for dominance, the hormonal urge to grab an ass, or maybe a little of both. I think it's pretty fair to assume that most people who have partaken in chikan do so in desperation, to fill some sort of void left open by a failed romantic history or lack of social skills. Simply put, if I had been more sociable at the time and had girlfriends instead, I doubt I would have ever done anything. It's one of the biggest regrets I have in my short existence. Am I being too hard on myself? I'm not sure if I see it as gravely immoral (the act of touching another human being shouldn't necessarily be so stigmatized, although I do think some can be victimized by it when it goes too far) so much as I simply regret all the time I've wasted masturbating instead of pursuing something productive. With this, I want to move past it once and for all, because it really hasn't brought me anything more than cheap and fleeting moments of physical pleasure that I'd feel much more satisfied procuring from a legitimate and healthy relationship. The inner shame has stunted my social and emotional development, and I want no part of it anymore. I wish you all the best of luck in overcoming this vice and hope that you take my inner musings to heart.

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