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Subways and Lipstick

I wore lipstick. My first mistake. No pretty redhead ought to wear lipstick and short skirts on a train.

Of course there were no seats there.
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Just _brilliant._ A long walk from work just to get there and I have to stand, packed like sardeens between people I don't even know. There's this kid- three or four years old slung over his mom's shoulder in front of me. He's a little crosseyed. It's actually kind of cute, as is his solem appraisal of me. I crack a goofy smile at him as people get off at the stop and the train refilled.

Four more stops. God, my bag hurt. I'm going to sit down, have something cold to drink and take off my stupid shoes when I got home. My week's packed full- work, sleep, Jen and her cute boyfriend coming over on Saturday. I recall I haven't seen Jen in almost six months, since she moved to Seattle before I something pressed against my but.

Actually it wasn't _SOMETHING._ Something, well it implies I didn't know what it was. A pair of hips. He wasn't quite hard yet, but within a few seconds he was.
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To say I decided what to do would be wrong. There wasn't anything that decided to let him move against me, or reach up under my skirt. There was panic, as I recall. Something in my gut, right below my ribcage fluttered. Arousal too. I might have even come, for all I knew. I hadn't before, and definately, I had to hold back a few gasps.

My stop came. I got off. I walked to my building. Got on the elevator. I went straight into the bathroom and threw up. I didn't feel like showering- I wasn't dirty.

Some people think, I am in control of my destiny. I can tell you you aren't. I used to think that, if I was smart, pretty, nice and clean, the world would be nice to me. It couldn't be true that I was so small. So what to believe? It was concentual- It wasn't so bad- I wasn't samrt or nice or clean in the first place. Anything but I wasn't in control.

For every person clever, smart, funny and perverse as me, there are ten thousand worse. You get caught, you might get bent over in prision. 'S not my wish for you or anyone. You got wives, kids, brothers, girlfriends- right? Something you love? If not, that's sad. Everyone deserves that.

It's the best thing in the world, to love something. I love my boyfriend, my cat, chocolate, music, reading... just llittle glimpses that tell me the world is worth being in. I saw, once, a sphere of wood painted white, with light streeming across the back of it so the shadow was toward me. Where the light reflected back frm the table on it- it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I could have gone a lifetime without knowing it was there.

Some people- they think, "I believe people are good at heart." They aren't - people are people at heart. I might have done worse, in my life. I did wear lipstick, you know.

I got my acceptance letter to highschool that week.

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