The Gentleman’s Guide to Groping
Lord Hillary Edmund Cheswick’s: The Gentleman’s Guide to Groping
Welcome to those of you who use this electronic means of communiqué. The gentlemen here have graciously provided me with some space in order to relate to you something of which has the highest importance in my life. It’s with a heavy heart that I write that the high art of groping has suffered immensely in the last few decades. Purveyors of this once highly regarded and esteemed activity consists mainly of rank amateurs with groping skills more akin to something found in the lowest bowels of Paris rather than the fine art that it is. As a gentleman, I cannot see my most dedicated pursuit become dominated by drunken football hooligans. I, Lord Hillary Edmund Cheswick, offer my services to guide the burgeoning groper into becoming something that he could have only dreamt of in his wildest ale induced stupors.
This is not how you are to treat a lady! This man should grab this woman's bum, post haste!
To contrast the horrid state of groping in our society today, we must look to the far off nation of Japan. There, the most dedicated gropers are groomed from birth haven been educated in the ancient traditions of their ancestors in the art of grabbing strange women’s naughty bits. Oriental school girls can’t go a day without being pawed by a stranger on a train at least forty or fifty times, a statistic that very few civilized nations can hardly claim today. In fact, the yellow devils are so adapt at demeaning women that they’ve brought groping into new levels unheard of outside the imaginations of the most brilliant men at Oxford. I once viewed a kinetoscope recording that depicted a couple of plucky squinty eyed lads pulling down the blouses of random women in the streets. To that I say jolly good show. We could learn a lot from our Eastern friends.
Let me illustrate how much groping means to me. When I was a younger lad, I took a cue from tales I had read about the Orientals. I decided to try my luck on my morning train ride as I had been eyeing up a raven haired beauty for several weeks, trying to build up the courage to “accidentally” brush up against her. Let me tell you, simply grabbing one of her tits was a far fetched dream at that time! I finally got my courage up enough to give her a bum grab one sunny morning. She quickly looked around for the devilish culprit, but was not able to determine who had given the pinch in the crowd. Having been in such a spell induced by the events of the day, that night I masturbated furiously for several hours with only a small break for tea to invigorate myself for even more furious masturbation. Over the next several weeks I maintained my morning habit of giving the lady a delicate grope anonymously. Eventually, I came to the realization that this was the woman that I wanted to manhandle for the rest of my life. I could not imagine a world where I could not objectify her on a daily basis, so one evening on our return trip home I made sure as to not be seen and I followed her with the sole purpose to discover the address of her flat. The very next day I had two dozen of the finest roses in all of England sent to her abode along with this letter:
Madam,
For the past several days you have been the receiver of many pinches and touches from a mysterious gentleman. Some were very light hearted brushes, while others were squeezes of considerable magnitude. You must know that every single one was delivered with the utmost care and affection.
Dear Lady, I have been that most honorable of gropers. As you may have already guessed these flowers and this note are a proclamation of my undying love and devotion for you. Please think of this letter as a proposal of marriage. I can assure you that I come from the finest English stock and my family name can speak for itself. As landed gentry, I’ll be able to take care of your every need and you shall never wont again.
I await your answer on baited breath.
Yours truly,
Lord Hillary Edmund Cheswick
Three days later we were married.
Not all stories of unrequested pawing end in such a romantic fashion. Please beg my pardon if that is the impression that I’m giving. One of the most entertaining things a man can do is to show his approval of random women he comes into contact with, after all nothing makes a woman feel better than knowing she is sexually alluring to the opposite sex. A good grope also increases vitality and calms the humors. A simple marital vow should not get in the way of making others feel good.
Groping looks fairly easy to the common eye, but you can’t just grab onto a woman of proper standing like she was some common bar wench without proper technique. Your target may be offended by your awkward approach and you’ll be publicly remonstrated for your foolish and fumbling advances. There are as many kinds of proper groping techniques as there are opium dens in China, and the space I’ve been provided by the editors is wholly inadequate to list them all here. Instead, I shall discuss the issue with a broad brush stroke by listing the three major styles:
The Goose is named after the adorable pinching a female goose will give you when you try to devour its young.
1) The Goose: The Goose is a simple grabbing of the rear haunch that usually serves as an unexpected, yet highly flattering surprise. This maneuver has been around since the dawn of mankind and is the earliest recorded form of groping, having appeared in pictograms on ancient Sumerian pottery. It still holds up to this day as an excellent means of providing an easy means of showing approval of a rather deliciously tantalizing bum.
2) Mam Hands: To fondly caress a woman’s breasts in public without her request is perhaps the most beautiful thing in the world. It can be compared to the sound of a child’s laughter or the triumphant feeling one gets after collecting the winnings of a gentlemen’s challenge involving your elderly and feeble manservant winning a long distance foot race against another gentleman’s elderly, feeble manservant. The female bosom is one of the most beautiful objects in nature. It’s no wonder that even the most foppish dandy enjoys an occasional tug on a lass’s teat from time to time. As Oscar Wilde once said, “The world would be deprived of my dry, witty quotes if young boys had breasts!”
Like all gropes, there are no fast and solid rules on the application of the hand onto the breast as long as it matches the type of fervor that it has invoked upon you. To overly apply a squeeze to a woman’s jubblies when the feeling in your heart is set upon a quick pat is undeniably rude. A gentleman should never overstate his affections for a lady through a misleading grope.
3) The Classic V Grab: Made popular during Queen Elizabeth’s reign, the V Grab has been refined to become an exclusive type of grope intended as a display of most extreme affection for the gropee. I nearly played my hand (as a matter of speaking) by risking early exposure to my beloved Constance by going for her Aunt Annie before I sent my proposal via the post. It was my final step and is an accepted prelude to that level of commitment.
Many young ladies seeking suitors take up singing to try to tickle the ears and the fancy of young gentlemen gropers.
V Grabs tend to be better suited for a close quarters environment such as a water closet, that is, if you happen to follow your target into a ladies wash room, as I sometimes do. If you happen to be alone with the lady, the V Grab can be used in conjunction with a Mam Hand for a highly effective maneuver. Because of the nature of a woman’s bearded clam, this is also a helpful way of determining if your target really is a woman, letting you avoid wasting precious courting time at the local dance hall. Unless, that is, you’re a bumhole engineer. Then you’d quite pleased with the discovery. Either way it has benefits for all that employ it!
This ends my short look into a world of better groping. If you’re still interested in this subject there are many books that I’d recommend reading to aid your pursuits, namely Sir Clive Cholmondely’s “The Well Placed Hand,” Plato’s seminal volume, “Theaetetus and Touching Breasts,” Samuel Vincent’s, “Ass Grabbing and Ass Slapping: The Two Keys to Happiness”, and Dr. Thomas Marjoriebanks groundbreaking work, “A History of Phrenology and Bean Flicking.” After much study and many hours of practice you’ll find that your groping method will be as affectionate and natural as a well placed hug.
Sincerely yours,
- Lord Hillary Edmund Cheswick -
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