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Confession

This is such an interesting board. A sensitive, wonderful webmaster, who sincerely wants to facilitate an honest dialogue about chikan, and a bunch of guys who either use it as a porn site, or a place to be self-righteous. I love the stories (I'm the type who uses it as a porn site), but I have many deep doubts, and I think that besides stories, we should share these. Webmaster Ayashi deserves no less.

I started groping when I was 13. I'm now over 35. I have at times gone as long as a year or so without groping, but when it's available, as now, since I live in New York, I can't help myself. Well, that's not true, of course in some sense I have control, but it's just that I love it so much that my morals are overcome by my desire. Of course I know that pushing sexual contact on an unwilling person is wrong, and can be damaging. But when the desire gets strong enough, I just don't care so much anymore.

I have had so many groping experiences. At least a hundred by now. I have had three or four women who liked it. With these, I was extremely gentle and tentative, then progressively more aggressive, and I focused on them, rubbing (very gently, perhaps beginning with my shoulder) a nipple. With one I progressed to pressing the back of my hand, which was somewhat disguised because I was holding my coat, into her crotch and moving it a bit with the natural motion of the train. But the vast majority, over 95%, either didn't like it or didn't notice or at least pretended not to notice. I am ashamed to say that the later kind thrill me more. I am turned on by their shame, and by taking advantage of them.

I truly believe that the only ingredient necessary for good, morally right sex, is consent. If two people enjoy tying each other up and whipping, that's fine. But when consent is missing, it's a crime. Unfortunately, it is exaclty the lack of consent that most turns me on.

I explored a cure with a psychologist specializing in sexual problems, and the cure was basically like Clockwork Orange, though not as dramatized of course. He said that exploring the deeper reasons would be one aspect, but that such talking very rarely cures this sort of compulsion. What you do is masturbate to the fantasy of forced sexual contact, and just as you're about to cum, smell some awful scent, like ammonia.

I was unwilling to undergo that treatment. Though I know it's selfish; smelling ammonia can't be much worse than having some creepy guy shove his dick in your ass on a subway; I know I'd rather smell ammonia than have some guy do shove his dick in my ass. But the truth is, I love chikan. I love it. I don't want to be cured. It's awful; it's criminal; I hate it; but I love it. I can't stop for one reason: I don't really want to.

By the way, I have posted four or five stories on this board; but it's been a while now. They're deep in the archives at this point.

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